Getting Married

I was first married on May 26, 1990, at the tender age of 21 years. I remember that day with fondness, but also confusion. Try as I might, I cannot conjure up a memory of the feeling I think I should have had on my wedding day. The video shows me getting out of the car at the church, smiling, beautiful. In the background you hear a friend say "wow, doesn't she look so beautiful". My mom replied "Yeah, she looks just like a bride should for her first wedding". She was immediately horrified, but we laugh about that now. For me, that day was plagued with anxiety and in retrospect, I can hear that voice, the one that tells you you're making a mistake. At the time, I think I believed it was just 'nerves'. Part of my mixed, angry/nervous/excited feelings were due to the fact that, although I had never wanted a church wedding, I was getting married in a church. And although I had told my groom I liked his close-cut tidy beard, and "no, your mom is wrong, it's not sloppy, please don't shave it for the wedding", he appeared on that day bald-faced. My groom and I had been friends for many years, but wedding planning taught me so many things I hadn't known about him or his family, whom I had previously quite liked. He was a first generation Canadian to older German parents. I did not realize what that meant until I was to become part of the family. What I learned was that I, his bride, came a long second to his mother. Always. In fact, I was placed behind every family member; I think I fell in directly behind his youngest nephew. When he and I first talked about our wedding, we had visions of a beach and 25 close friends. However, once we were done talking with his mother, and after she'd finished scolding me for being so selfish, that 'vision' changed to a church wedding with 150 people. I knew it was wrong. I wanted to stand up for myself. I wanted him to stand up for me. But I was young and idealistic (he often referred to me as Polyanna) and I didn't realize how insidious this problem would be, or how damaging. I thought 'once we're married, things will change'. I would need a flow-chart now to illustrate the many ways that was so very wrong.

When I got MWD and left the marriage, I was determined to never again settle. Although I still care for my ex-husband, and we remain friends, I was in that situation far too long.

C and I have been together for 5 years now. We have been through at lot in that time. There have been horribly unpleasant dealings with his mentally unstable ex and endless court hearings surrounding that, and there have been growing pains; arguments, money issues, and the usual relationship stress, but every step has brought us closer together and made us stronger. Our families love each other, and he loves his mama, but I come first. Always. We are best friends who live, work and play together every single day. Time apart consists of trips to the gym, or a lunch with a friend, but other than that, we are inseparable. Our offices are a common area apart and we still use msn to talk to each other when we can't be face to face. Our assistant once commented that she didn't know who was more codependant, me or him, to which he replied, 'hey, we're happy, so who cares?'. We're not codepent...shut up!

After working out all the kinks, getting the crazy ex completely behind us, paying off lots debt and figuring out how to be a family with my three boys and my ex, we've decided it's time to get married!

Even though we've lived as a married couple for the past 4 years, I'm simply giddy with excitement! We're doing this for all the right reasons. My Polyanna days are behind me and my eyes are wide open (even though this gushyness may not seem like it). I love this man. I love him for so many reasons; he's georgeous and smart and successful, but mostly because of the way we lay in bed and talk into the wee hours. And because he lets me know that there's nothing and no one more important than me. Because he reads my mind and knows when I'm going to cry before I do, and he always asks "how was your day?". And because we laugh together every single day; he makes me laugh like no one ever has, and he says my laugh is one of his favourite things about me. I love him most of all, because he's my happy place.

In a perfect world, we'll be married on Bora Bora on my 40th birthday. We're working hard to make that happen, but it's a very expensive trip and there's so much involved.

We'll see.

p.s. I've added a donate button, just in case some really rich person stumbles on my blog and wants to help make it happen ;)