Thursday, September 25, 2008

Happy Birthday Big Brother!

I wish today you were 43. I wish we were celebrating together, instead of being reminded that the remainder of you sits in an urn atop nannie's grave. You weren't supposed to be ashes. You were supposed to be my superhero forever.

I still hear you laugh. You still make me laugh. But today I cry. I smile through my tears, forcing myself to remember the good times, but mostly I cry.

I miss you big brother, more than you could know. I have never been able to talk to mom on this day, not for 15 years; her pain mixed with mine is too much for us both, so we just don't talk. The missing never stops. It hurts. It really really hurts.

I know God has embraced you, and that helps some.

I'm going to eat some birthday cake.

I love you forever. You are not forgotten.

6 comments:

Jade said...

I'm sorry for your pain today. It sucks when your superhero turns to ashes.

Big, big hugs, e.

Stagnant Artist said...

I send hugs and love to you.... it is a beautiful ode to your brother. I love mine dearly since he is the closest family I have. Love and hugs, hugs and love

Cat said...

When my grandmother died, my dad told me that she would be looking down on me the rest of my life from heaven and that I could talk to her whenever I wanted and to this day, I still do. I cannot imagine your sadness/ loss and I am sending hugs and love your way today. Cat

Jade said...

Cat's comment reminds me of when my husband's grandmother died; the family got together to deposit her ashes in the sea and during the after-gathering my father in law pulled me out to the front lawn and pointed at the sun setting over the sea. Something about the sun through the clouds looked as though a ghostly streak of white was coming up from the sea and disappearing into the sun. My father in law said it was Grandma, headed up to heaven.

I don't believe in heaven in that sense, but it made me feel better. And whenever I see that peculiar cloud-streaking I think of Grandma and I feel really good inside.

thejunkyswife said...

Those were beautiful words. You did good.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

{{{{{e}}}}} Love you, e.