Thursday, December 18, 2008

Merry Çhristmas!!!

I love love love Christmas. Everyone always seems to be so stressed out and I don't get it! It's beautiful! Lights everywhere - shiny shiny lights!! And here we have snow! This is a very rare occasion, this beautiful treacherous white stuff. We usually get snow once a year, and it hasn't been at at Christmas since I can't even remember when! I'm almost finished my shopping and I'm having 13 people over for dinner... I can't wait!! For the first time in 4 years, I actually get to take a vacation; 2 whole weeks off!!

I wish you all a very very very happy holiday season! Below are some simple tips to make it more enjoyable!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, ass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hellooo????

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean really, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner!

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Friday, November 21, 2008

Totally Confused

You Americans are a complicated bunch.

While proudly waving the stars and stripes, proclaiming the USA to be the most wonderful, freest land of all, you keep on fucking with people's freedoms. I'm baffled.

At this moment, what befuddles me is Prop 8. Of course, we in Canada think it's wrong wrong wrong. Come on over here and get yerself hitched... who's the freest land of all???!!!

Everyone has their argument. I could write volumes of my own, but what totally blows my mind is how you all voted yes and now there are protests to get it gone! WTF?

And for those of you who voted yes, please please explain to me in terms that actually make sense, not that mind-bending religious bullshit, how this is any less discriminatory than banning interracial marriage?!

The religious argument is that marriage is between one man and one woman; How 'bout those Mormons??? Wow. My brain hurts.

Canada... The land of the free the brave... the true north strong and free... and the land of allowed to marry the one you love! Today I am waving my maple leaf proudly and proclaiming that I live in the wonderfulest freest land of all!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I didn't know I was so white light!!

Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

I wanted to be cool like my blog lover MPJ, so I took this quiz... Lo and behold I too am Galadriel (although I really really thought I was cool enough to be Jean Luc Picard!). Oh well, white light powers are good too.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Happy Birthday Big Brother!

I wish today you were 43. I wish we were celebrating together, instead of being reminded that the remainder of you sits in an urn atop nannie's grave. You weren't supposed to be ashes. You were supposed to be my superhero forever.

I still hear you laugh. You still make me laugh. But today I cry. I smile through my tears, forcing myself to remember the good times, but mostly I cry.

I miss you big brother, more than you could know. I have never been able to talk to mom on this day, not for 15 years; her pain mixed with mine is too much for us both, so we just don't talk. The missing never stops. It hurts. It really really hurts.

I know God has embraced you, and that helps some.

I'm going to eat some birthday cake.

I love you forever. You are not forgotten.