Friday, August 31, 2007

A funny day...funny odd not funny haha

Today is such a strange day. Our city is like that. If you don't like the weather, just wait 5 minutes!

Today is different though. Yesterday it was summer. We took the day off and had ourselves a pool party. I blackened up a little more in the sun and it was an all around perfect day weather-wise.

Today everything has shifted. It's like yesterday was the last day of summer and today it is fall. Just like that fuck you very much. No summer for you! It makes me feel strange, the shift. I'm discombobulated. We decided to take today off as well. I'm still in my jammies and hunky hubby has gone off to a funeral, making this dark and dreary day even more dark and dreary.

But wait, there's more! It's also my dad's (step-dad, but same difference for me) birthday today. Funerals and birthdays. Life and death. Dreary days. Discombobulation. And as I type this the sun peaks out from between the oh so grey clouds to taunt me. It's not staying! The rain is starting. Fuck.

Actually I love fall. It's my favourite season. I love the cozy feeling of fall. Sweaters... I love sweaters! Bright sunny summer days always make you feel like you have to get up and go do something. There's always a rush to enjoy it while it's there. But fall invites you to sit down, take a load off....and just reeelaaax. There's no urgency. Like today. I'm sitting here on my couch watching a movie blogging away still in my jammies. It's great.

So why was I complaining? I wasn't quite ready yet! It came too soon after a summer filled with rain and wind and clouds and fall-like days. I need my seasons.

Today I feel weird.

oh, and that picture there...that's almost exactly what I see when I look out my window right now. The only difference is that the mountains are still a little snow-peaked.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Miracles and the powers that be

Since I really don't have any readers other than my dear friend, and I have cuntfacemcbitchfuck to carry on many of my rantings, I have not posted here in quite some time. Today though, I feel compelled to put this out there.

Yesterday was a bad day. Like a really bad, stressful I think my head is going to pop right off and spew blood and grey matter everywhere, chainsmoking, too many drinks to dial down the nerves before bed kind of day. For those who are a part of cuntfacemcbitchfuck, they got the full brunt of my bad day, due to my RANTING about it there. And they made me feel better. That is what I'm learning about this whole blogging experience. It's so bizarre that complete strangers can make you feel better. Even more bizarre that I want to make strangers feel better. It makes me feel like I can fill up my Karma bank even faster.

Man did I need the Karma bank to cash out yesterday. So I sat outside smoking my stinky cigarette, getting ready to turn in for the night and curl up in my hunky husbands safe giant protective arms for slumber. Before coming in, I looked up at the stars and said 'ok powers, I'm giving it up to you. Please help. I need help'. I went to bed and slept. Deep, drooly sleep for 5 solid (not nearly enough) hours. I awoke this morning to the familiar prickly dread of yesterday. Nothing's changed! My problem is not solved! I am going to fail miserably. This client is going to hate me and my name will be MUD.

I came to my office and was literally numb with dread. I stared and stared and stared at my monitor, my phone, my monitor my phone.... waiting for a miracle email or phone call to come in to tell me that my problem is indeed going to be solved. I was literally sitting here in tears, wondering how I was going to solve this problem. I have done all I can do. I have had to throw it up to the Powers, and now all I can do is sit numbly, quietly and wait until the day is over.

Email comes in from client asking 'any developments'. Oh no! It's time to fess up! I'm a fraud and this was a huge opportunity and I fucked it up, I knew I couldn't do this business...on the heels of these destructive thoughts popped up another email. It was the one that saved my ass. Literally at the 11th hour and 59 minute mark, the Powers came through. They always do. Why do I worry so much?

I am amazed. Mantra and I were talking about the powers last night. She sent good wishes my way as she received good wishes herself.

Thank you Powers That Be. I can breathe again....

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Anxiety Part II

So that's it, I left my husband and turned 19 at 29. I was partying like it was 1999! I traveled to Mexico all by myself for 2 weeks, and it was the greatest 2 weeks I've ever spent. Ever. Seriously. I was in another country, alone at an ultra all inclusive resort. I met so many people! It was a whole new world. I drank, I played beach volleyball and body surfed and even became Ms. Marival (queen of the resort, huge honour don't you know) for a week.

Reality check when I cam back to the real world. Hubby wouldn't give up the kids. I was a stay at home mom looking to get back to work. I didn't have the funds to fight him in court and my two older boys wanted to stay with dad (my middle son informed me the other day that he feels bad for that silly boy ~ incidentally I remember this post was borne out of my recent conversations with him). So I conceded, got a good government job, shared the boys half the time, and moved forward with my life.

Although I thought the anxiety could be attributed to my shitty marriage, it turns out it's still there. All the time, every day; it rules my life. Drugs don't work.

I can handle this for me, but it turns out good mama that I am, I have passed this anxiety gene to my aforementioned middle child. He has told me recently that it's gotten really bad. Not only that, he is suffering from some rather distracting OCD issues. Oh no, what have I done???? He didn't even know about my problems with anxiety. It's not like I walk around letting everyone know that deep down inside I'm not safe in my own head. He just one day started to exhibit symptoms. They got worse and worse, and finally my current husband told me he thought that my boy might be suffering anxiety. Hubby suffers occasional panic attacks too, so he and I, we're experts.

My son was so relieved to have people who understand! God, I know that feeling. My kid's doctor, like so many other fucking asshole, not knowing doctors out there just doesn't get it. He thinks counseling is the answer! Um NO! For anyone who suffers real, true, honest to god anxiety, you know it's not about what happened to you as a child. It's some sort of weird imbalance that wreaks havoc on you. Ativan helps my boy, so hubby makes sure he has a few at hand, which has been a lifesaver. Of course, his doctor won't give him a scrip because he too subscribes to the 'it's all in your head club'. I don't buy it! My grandmother suffered to the point of agoraphobia and ended up on Lithium for the rest of her life to control it. Her mother suffered. I suffer and now my son. Duh! Do we all suffer the same psychological issues or could it actually be that there is some sort of hereditary imbalance?? Hubby's mom suffers thinks there's a connection, yes.

My son and I talk about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He talks to be about sex, or his lack thereof (he's still a virgin thank god), and more importantly has informed me that he does indeed smoke weed. Too much weed even by his own admission. He says he loves it, but not only that, he says it helps his anxiety. UH OH! red flag red flag red flag. I ask him about other, harder drugs to which he replies that they scare him. He's afraid to take harder drugs because of his anxiety and what might happen. He promises me, looks me in the eyes with his beautiful green eyes and swears with conviction I feel, that he will not go down that path. He is aware and conscious of the destructiveness and doesn't want to go there. I want to believe him. I too have always been terrified and turned off of hard drugs; maybe he really is telling the truth. The problem is that I see him as having addictive behaviours. He even asked me one night, "mom, do you think I have the potential to go down that slippery slope to addiction?". All I could say was yes, I worry, but I pray to god that because he's honest with me and aware of the potential, I have faith.

Am I lying to myself? Can you nip an addict in the bud before it's too late????

Oh God I hope so!!!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Anxiety - part I

Although I'm very happy and content with my place in life, I do suffer from chronic anxiety and panic attacks. It's most inconvenient for someone like myself, who loves life, travel, dining out and social get-togethers. The first experience I had with a full-on panic attack, I was 12 years old, and had just tried sniffing glue with my girlfriends at a sleepover. Wow, I didn't like that! No way...I panicked. They walked me around for about 2 hours and I vowed that drugs was not going to become a part of my life. About 2 weeks later, while sitting in my mom's car at Dairy Queen, I was thinking about what a horrible experience that had been, which brought the whole feeling back in full force, no different than if I was still in that moment. I thought, 'oh GOD is this what they call a flashback? Am I going to have to relive this for the rest of my life???'. I told my mom and begged her to take me to the doctor. The doctor informed me there is no such thing as a flashback, there was nothing wrong with me, it's all in my head....just stop feeling that way. What an odd treatment plan, but it worked! I went home that day and decided 'this is all in my head, I can control it'. Miraculously it was overcome, and I went on to live an active happy outgoing and most importantly, drug-free life. My friends were all huge 'stoners', but I just opted out. Alcohol was my drug of choice.

I was 27 years old before anxiety invaded my world again. I had been married to my childhood friend for 7 years, and we had 3 little boys, a beautiful house on a 1/2 acre in the country, 2 cars a Rhodesian Ridgeback and money enough for me to stay home. Life was good. Other, that is, than the fact that my husband was controlling, misogynistic and angry. Funny that it took me so long to realize it. It was subtle and insidious. We laughed and had fun together. We had good sex (meaning almost every day and always an orgasm to be had, although it was lackluster in retrospect) even after 8 years. We had been friends since I was 14, so I really didn't know any different. I had hooked up with the best guy in our group (little did I realize at the time, that was sort of like being the tallest midget!). Long story short, we started to fight all...the...time. I didn't realize it then, but now I can see it clear as day, my situation. I was an obsessive, compulsive CLEAN FREAK. My friends stopped wanting to come for coffee, because I would spend the whole time wiping, mopping organizing, ironing etc. I just thought 'hey, I've got 3 kids, a messy husband and a dog, if I don't keep this house clean it'll go to shit'. And what would people think if they stopped by and everything wasn't in it's place, shiny and pretty? Haha, now that I'm out the other side, I can see that it was the only thing I really had control over; I was Martha Stewart on crack, just so that I could show that I was WORTH something.

After a huge fight with my husband about my being maid of honour for my best friend in Vegas (he refused to come, even after I tried to entice him with 'we could renew our own vows, it'll be fun'). To this day, I do not know why it was such a problem for him, other than that he wasn't in control. She was willing to get married on a day that was convenient for him, the boys had family to stay with, and he worked for the airline so we could fly for basically nothing. But nope, somehow he still managed to make it inconvenient and unfair to him that she would ask me. I decided that was it, I was going and he could just fuck himself thank you very much. She even paid for my plane ticket, rather than him getting a deal through work. That's about the time I snapped. My best friend and I had just finished picking out our dresses for the wedding and had gone next door for coffee afterward. We were talking and I suddenly, without warning, out of nowhere felt that old familiar tingle up my spine. The world went out of focus, the blood rushed in my ears and I had to fight the urge to run screaming into the street like a lunatic.

This started a spiral. Four months I spent on the couch or in bed. I guess in retrospect it might have been a bit of a functioning break-down. I still mothered as best I could, I still cooked, cleaned etc., but my life was different now. I was fighting for my life every day. Fighting to keep my sanity, to not break from reality, light myself on fire and melt into a pile of unrecognizable goo. I made the trip to Vegas and had a great time between attacks. A lot happened around that time, but within a year of that trip, I got what I call mad women's disease and I left my husband after 10 years. My eyes were open. I had made a mondo wicked mistake by marrying him and it needed to be rectified asap!

This is getting long...I think I'll finish later. There is a point to this story. I'll figure it out I'm sure.

Friday, August 10, 2007


Today I am pleased. I have been sucked into a world of reading blogs, which is something I never never never thought would be something I would care to do. But when one of my very closest friends (Mantramine) said to me one day, out of the blue and without provocation, 'so I've been blogging if you simply must know', it began. She explained to me that I was one of a very very small handful of peeps that she was allowing into this world (me; filled with pride and happy to have my ego stroked. She likes me, she really likes me!). She explained that she's sick of talking about it and obsessing about it, so she thought she'd just write about it and let me read it and that way I'd be up on what was going on, so that she didn't have to 'keep talking' about it already! This makes perfect sense, what with her deep desire to some day be published.

So it began. I would eagerly check her posting every day, and then I began to poke around at her faves, to see what was up with them; are there really that many people out here in cyber world baring their soles? ohmygod are there ever! What pain and stress and torture. I find myself caring for these people and pulling for them to get through it. When I began my blog, it was simply to vent some of my silly frustrations from day to day; things that irked me. I tend to be very passionate about things that irk me…I don't really expect to be read or understood, but it's nice to have a place to put my thoughts nonetheless. What I have come to realize is how grateful I am for my life, in a way that I didn't expect. I have stress and some days I'm positive that my head is just going to pop right off my shoulders from it, but it is nothing, NOTHING like the pain and stress of addiction and failing marriages and sick children. Who the hell needs to watch the soaps??!!! I have blogging to do and it's real, and interesting. It's become my good book, filled with all the drama and adventure anyone needs.

So I sit here content with my life, and very grateful for that contentment. My house is quiet, what with hubby sick in bed and my teen boys still sleeping. I'm somewhat sad that I have to wake them soon, so that they can get ready for their ferry trip back home to their dad. I always miss them when they go back, but they'll be here again next week and then I'll be wishing I had the quiet cleanliness of my home again. An endless cycle.

I am happy today, and grateful…