In relationships, I have always had the luxury of time alone. I'm not really sure whether it was on purpose or not, but I seemed to pick mates who worked out of town or at the very least, had a completely different schedule than my own; this afforded me the freedom of being alone with my thoughts, or spending time with friends. I loved the diversity of having a mate, but also having single time. I'm very comfortable in my own skin, and quite enjoy my own company. In the event of an extended period of time together, I would find myself craving my alone time.
Why then, with C out of town for only one night, am I feeling so lonely? If he were just at the gym, as he usually is at this hour, I would be enjoying the snippet of alone time I get each day. Instead, I find myself not knowing what to do, and feeling sort of sad. I feel like I've misplaced something.
He called a few minutes ago. I didn't recognize the number. When I heard his voice, I actually felt that little flutter in my tummy. 5 years later, and he still makes me feel funny in that way.
On the one hand, it seems like good news; I'm on the right path. I'm marrying the right man. There's a little voice though, whispering danger, Will Rogers, danger...if I feel this disjointed by a single day apart, what does that mean? It means that this man has a lot of power. It means that I am at risk of being emotionally destroyed if I lost him. It means that I have let myself go. That's scary.
It's also exhilarating.
2 comments:
it's a good thing.... it means you have staying power. I know what you mean about free time. i cherish it like no other. I like having time to myself and not have to answer questions like where am i going, what am i doing, when you coming back.... i just can go do it. I LOVE LOVE that freedom.
I think it means you have really given this your all and the scary part is when you invest all of yourself you do risk losing, but look at all you have gained in the risking?! Cat
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