Happy Birthday Big Brother!

I wish today you were 43. I wish we were celebrating together, instead of being reminded that the remainder of you sits in an urn atop nannie's grave. You weren't supposed to be ashes. You were supposed to be my superhero forever.

I still hear you laugh. You still make me laugh. But today I cry. I smile through my tears, forcing myself to remember the good times, but mostly I cry.

I miss you big brother, more than you could know. I have never been able to talk to mom on this day, not for 15 years; her pain mixed with mine is too much for us both, so we just don't talk. The missing never stops. It hurts. It really really hurts.

I know God has embraced you, and that helps some.

I'm going to eat some birthday cake.

I love you forever. You are not forgotten.

Lonely?

In relationships, I have always had the luxury of time alone. I'm not really sure whether it was on purpose or not, but I seemed to pick mates who worked out of town or at the very least, had a completely different schedule than my own; this afforded me the freedom of being alone with my thoughts, or spending time with friends. I loved the diversity of having a mate, but also having single time. I'm very comfortable in my own skin, and quite enjoy my own company. In the event of an extended period of time together, I would find myself craving my alone time.

Why then, with C out of town for only one night, am I feeling so lonely? If he were just at the gym, as he usually is at this hour, I would be enjoying the snippet of alone time I get each day. Instead, I find myself not knowing what to do, and feeling sort of sad. I feel like I've misplaced something.

He called a few minutes ago. I didn't recognize the number. When I heard his voice, I actually felt that little flutter in my tummy. 5 years later, and he still makes me feel funny in that way.

On the one hand, it seems like good news; I'm on the right path. I'm marrying the right man. There's a little voice though, whispering danger, Will Rogers, danger...if I feel this disjointed by a single day apart, what does that mean? It means that this man has a lot of power. It means that I am at risk of being emotionally destroyed if I lost him. It means that I have let myself go. That's scary.

It's also exhilarating.

Someone Summing up Why I Started 'Rantings'

I was told this was what Andy Rooney said on '60 Minutes' a few weeks back: However, the ever diligent MPJ did far more research than I (I must just be gullible to have taken it at face value), so I'm not yet sure who said this, however I still give cheers to it!

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America ~ and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

(I have blogged this one plenty!) I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right 'NOT' to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

(I have blogged this plenty too) It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'NO!'

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of 'Political Correctness.' I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be 'African-Americans'? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else

And if you don't like my point of view... tough!

Getting Married

I was first married on May 26, 1990, at the tender age of 21 years. I remember that day with fondness, but also confusion. Try as I might, I cannot conjure up a memory of the feeling I think I should have had on my wedding day. The video shows me getting out of the car at the church, smiling, beautiful. In the background you hear a friend say "wow, doesn't she look so beautiful". My mom replied "Yeah, she looks just like a bride should for her first wedding". She was immediately horrified, but we laugh about that now. For me, that day was plagued with anxiety and in retrospect, I can hear that voice, the one that tells you you're making a mistake. At the time, I think I believed it was just 'nerves'. Part of my mixed, angry/nervous/excited feelings were due to the fact that, although I had never wanted a church wedding, I was getting married in a church. And although I had told my groom I liked his close-cut tidy beard, and "no, your mom is wrong, it's not sloppy, please don't shave it for the wedding", he appeared on that day bald-faced. My groom and I had been friends for many years, but wedding planning taught me so many things I hadn't known about him or his family, whom I had previously quite liked. He was a first generation Canadian to older German parents. I did not realize what that meant until I was to become part of the family. What I learned was that I, his bride, came a long second to his mother. Always. In fact, I was placed behind every family member; I think I fell in directly behind his youngest nephew. When he and I first talked about our wedding, we had visions of a beach and 25 close friends. However, once we were done talking with his mother, and after she'd finished scolding me for being so selfish, that 'vision' changed to a church wedding with 150 people. I knew it was wrong. I wanted to stand up for myself. I wanted him to stand up for me. But I was young and idealistic (he often referred to me as Polyanna) and I didn't realize how insidious this problem would be, or how damaging. I thought 'once we're married, things will change'. I would need a flow-chart now to illustrate the many ways that was so very wrong.

When I got MWD and left the marriage, I was determined to never again settle. Although I still care for my ex-husband, and we remain friends, I was in that situation far too long.

C and I have been together for 5 years now. We have been through at lot in that time. There have been horribly unpleasant dealings with his mentally unstable ex and endless court hearings surrounding that, and there have been growing pains; arguments, money issues, and the usual relationship stress, but every step has brought us closer together and made us stronger. Our families love each other, and he loves his mama, but I come first. Always. We are best friends who live, work and play together every single day. Time apart consists of trips to the gym, or a lunch with a friend, but other than that, we are inseparable. Our offices are a common area apart and we still use msn to talk to each other when we can't be face to face. Our assistant once commented that she didn't know who was more codependant, me or him, to which he replied, 'hey, we're happy, so who cares?'. We're not codepent...shut up!

After working out all the kinks, getting the crazy ex completely behind us, paying off lots debt and figuring out how to be a family with my three boys and my ex, we've decided it's time to get married!

Even though we've lived as a married couple for the past 4 years, I'm simply giddy with excitement! We're doing this for all the right reasons. My Polyanna days are behind me and my eyes are wide open (even though this gushyness may not seem like it). I love this man. I love him for so many reasons; he's georgeous and smart and successful, but mostly because of the way we lay in bed and talk into the wee hours. And because he lets me know that there's nothing and no one more important than me. Because he reads my mind and knows when I'm going to cry before I do, and he always asks "how was your day?". And because we laugh together every single day; he makes me laugh like no one ever has, and he says my laugh is one of his favourite things about me. I love him most of all, because he's my happy place.

In a perfect world, we'll be married on Bora Bora on my 40th birthday. We're working hard to make that happen, but it's a very expensive trip and there's so much involved.

We'll see.

p.s. I've added a donate button, just in case some really rich person stumbles on my blog and wants to help make it happen ;)

Putting My Two Cents Where It Likely Isn't Welcome

(I totally stole this picture from Frank because it's the BEST EVER!)

I have been struggling as of late, with how to articulate all the shit going on (in my head as well as in real life). Not only is it that time of year again, but things have just been weird this past while. From the sudden death of my uncle last month, to the unusual acting out of my youngest son last week, things have just been off. Although I love fall/winter, I feel unready for it, due to the miserable weather we had this summer. Everything is just wrong.

One thing I find myself obsessed with, is the American election. We have our own election coming up next month, but I can't even concentrate on who I'm going to vote for, because I'm too busy watching what's going on with our neighbours.

At first, I was just intrigued by how things would work out between Barack and Hilary. I personally thought that an Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama ticket would be ideal either way; to my way of thinking, as long as the Republican-War Mongering- Anti-Gay- Anti-Abortion- God Squad Machine is stopped, it really doesn't matter. Hilary and Barack have their strenghts and weakness, but they share core ideals. I was absolutely positive the American people simply would not continue with the same bullshit, with the exception of course, of the greedy little piggy, bible thumping types and the racists.

When Hilary lost the race and some people insisted that it was only because she's a woman, I thought the idea was just as absurd as the possibility that people would vote for her just because she's a woman. These were just FemmeNazis insisting they're being held down. Sure, some misogynists out there voted Hilary out, but really, there are more women in the united states than men, and what's best for the country can't possibly come down to what's between the Commander in Chief's legs can it? Of course not!! As it turns out, there are a contingent of (feminists?) who believe this to be the case. Yes, they are so concerned with their own sense of woman-ness that they might actually put every core belief aside, just to be sure there is a vagina in the White House at the end of the day. Vital issues aside, they want a woman, even a woman who's values are completely contrary to their own!

When McCain announced his pick, I laughed, out loud and hard, that he thought he could actually play the woman card and sway Hilary supporters. I found it wholy insulting that he thought smart, strong feminist women would buy into this ridiculous ploy. After all, Hilary herself is begging her supporters to back Obama; and feminist women are strong and intellegent and therefore must understand that just because someone is female does not make her best for the job!

Alas, I was wrong. Smart, 'feminist' women are buying it hook, line and sinker. Many are willing to put aside everything they believe in. They're willing to go against their fellow women for their own personal satisfaction.

I ask these women, who could very well sway the election with their need for vaginal power...how far does this go? Do they allow a woman with no medical degree do their child's open heart surgery because she's a woman, and therefore automatically more qualified than any male doctor? Are they really willing to put us back a bazillion years by not accepting that men and women are, in fact, equal as a sex, but are not always qualified for the same positions? Do they really want their daughters to be given a hand-out, rather than a hand up?

Do they really want to continue to make their sons feel inferior because they are not girls? We are already telling our little boys that they aren't equal. We are telling them they're inferior when we say that girls are special and deserve to have all-girl clubs, and all-girl sports teams, and they should rule the world, but they as little boys, they are not allowed the same rights. They are not deserving of their own clubs. We are so special that they cannot have BOY scouts or an all-boy hockey league, or a male version of Curves. We are telling them they aren't good enough, because they aren't like us, and we can do everything they can do, only we can do it better. We are teaching our children that we don't merely want equality, we want absolute power.

To make matters worse, there are plenty of racist democrats, who will vote McCain because Obama is black. Women who vote for McCain after he played them like the fiddle he sees them as, makes them no better than racists. It makes them sexist.

I have been trying to sort out why this makes me so furious, and have come to realize that it's because I cannot do a thing to change it, yet what happens over the boarder inadvertently affects me here in Canada. I am not allowed a vote, but I must live with the consequences. I am reduced to hoping that enough smart American women see through the lies. I can only pray that smart, strong women will send the message to McCain that he can't fool them, because they are not so insecure as to fall for his evil plot to rule the world. I dearly wish that they will send the message to their little girls that we win some, we lose some, and for little boys; even if you're black, you can still be president!