Thursday, December 18, 2008

Merry Çhristmas!!!

I love love love Christmas. Everyone always seems to be so stressed out and I don't get it! It's beautiful! Lights everywhere - shiny shiny lights!! And here we have snow! This is a very rare occasion, this beautiful treacherous white stuff. We usually get snow once a year, and it hasn't been at at Christmas since I can't even remember when! I'm almost finished my shopping and I'm having 13 people over for dinner... I can't wait!! For the first time in 4 years, I actually get to take a vacation; 2 whole weeks off!!

I wish you all a very very very happy holiday season! Below are some simple tips to make it more enjoyable!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, ass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hellooo????

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean really, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner!

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"


Fractalmom said...

I am SO TOTALLY with you!! Especially on the gravy and the santa cookies.

But then, I would stand there even after I was noticed, we ALL no I don't give a shit what people think LOL.

Stagnant Artist said...

This is why you are my wonder twin! I love E!
1- wow never thought of that... too funny, but so true
2- OMG i love eggnog. I totally could be an eggnog-aholic. Try making a white russian with eggnog instead of milk... magical
3- Hells yeah gravy volacano
4- my mashed potatoes have cream cheese and sour cream- no milk!
5- so true
6- can't help it... i'd feel way too guilty, so exercise makes my brain think logically
7- i always get to the cookies too late or get noticed...
8- mmm pie, you are making me hungry
9- i have never ever had fruit cake
10- I think i am ready... First house is E's... cause i know from your list I will eat and drink well!