Anxiety Part II

So that's it, I left my husband and turned 19 at 29. I was partying like it was 1999! I traveled to Mexico all by myself for 2 weeks, and it was the greatest 2 weeks I've ever spent. Ever. Seriously. I was in another country, alone at an ultra all inclusive resort. I met so many people! It was a whole new world. I drank, I played beach volleyball and body surfed and even became Ms. Marival (queen of the resort, huge honour don't you know) for a week.

Reality check when I cam back to the real world. Hubby wouldn't give up the kids. I was a stay at home mom looking to get back to work. I didn't have the funds to fight him in court and my two older boys wanted to stay with dad (my middle son informed me the other day that he feels bad for that silly boy ~ incidentally I remember this post was borne out of my recent conversations with him). So I conceded, got a good government job, shared the boys half the time, and moved forward with my life.

Although I thought the anxiety could be attributed to my shitty marriage, it turns out it's still there. All the time, every day; it rules my life. Drugs don't work.

I can handle this for me, but it turns out good mama that I am, I have passed this anxiety gene to my aforementioned middle child. He has told me recently that it's gotten really bad. Not only that, he is suffering from some rather distracting OCD issues. Oh no, what have I done???? He didn't even know about my problems with anxiety. It's not like I walk around letting everyone know that deep down inside I'm not safe in my own head. He just one day started to exhibit symptoms. They got worse and worse, and finally my current husband told me he thought that my boy might be suffering anxiety. Hubby suffers occasional panic attacks too, so he and I, we're experts.

My son was so relieved to have people who understand! God, I know that feeling. My kid's doctor, like so many other fucking asshole, not knowing doctors out there just doesn't get it. He thinks counseling is the answer! Um NO! For anyone who suffers real, true, honest to god anxiety, you know it's not about what happened to you as a child. It's some sort of weird imbalance that wreaks havoc on you. Ativan helps my boy, so hubby makes sure he has a few at hand, which has been a lifesaver. Of course, his doctor won't give him a scrip because he too subscribes to the 'it's all in your head club'. I don't buy it! My grandmother suffered to the point of agoraphobia and ended up on Lithium for the rest of her life to control it. Her mother suffered. I suffer and now my son. Duh! Do we all suffer the same psychological issues or could it actually be that there is some sort of hereditary imbalance?? Hubby's mom suffers too....me thinks there's a connection, yes.

My son and I talk about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He talks to be about sex, or his lack thereof (he's still a virgin thank god), and more importantly has informed me that he does indeed smoke weed. Too much weed even by his own admission. He says he loves it, but not only that, he says it helps his anxiety. UH OH! red flag red flag red flag. I ask him about other, harder drugs to which he replies that they scare him. He's afraid to take harder drugs because of his anxiety and what might happen. He promises me, looks me in the eyes with his beautiful green eyes and swears with conviction I feel, that he will not go down that path. He is aware and conscious of the destructiveness and doesn't want to go there. I want to believe him. I too have always been terrified and turned off of hard drugs; maybe he really is telling the truth. The problem is that I see him as having addictive behaviours. He even asked me one night, "mom, do you think I have the potential to go down that slippery slope to addiction?". All I could say was yes, I worry, but I pray to god that because he's honest with me and aware of the potential, I have faith.

Am I lying to myself? Can you nip an addict in the bud before it's too late????

Oh God I hope so!!!