Gratidude and Destiny

A recent post on our super secret blog, along with some subtle signs in my personal life have has inspired me to post about destiny, gratitude and coming out the other other side of a bad situation.

I'm sorry, this is a long one.

5 years ago, I took a chance. I quit my 'good government job' and started my own business. I like to leap then look... it's just how I roll. Fortunately, the government believed in my little business venture and they gave me a small grant to live off for the first year of business, whilst I attended some of their mandatory courses; pretty good trade thought I. Arrogantly, I assumed that because I had a great idea, at least in my mind, it would sustain me financially. Silly girl. At this point in time, I was dating someone I really thought was the love of my life. We had so much fun together and we never fought. It was almost 5 years after leaving my rather volatile husband and he was a breath of fresh air. He wasn't much for self-employment though, so not as supportive as he could have been, but he did try. Sometimes. He moved in with me after 6 months of dating, at which point he suggested that we build a house. So we did. We built a house and moved in on Nov. 29, 2002. I was full of hope for the future that morning, but by early evening, I had a very funny anxious feeling that I might have made a mistake. We were moving pretty fast after all. We had only been together 9 months, and his demeanor seemed to instantly change. That fast. From morning till night. The air around us felt weird and strained. I felt like Alice, having just crawled through the rabbit hole. He assured me it was just the stress of moving. On November 30th, the day after moving in, he took my hand and led me outside. He turned me to face the house and put his arms around me from behind. "Thank you for building such a beautiful home for us. I'm so happy to have you" he whispered in my ear. He had left all the details of the house to me, saying that as long as I was happy that's all that mattered. When I went back in there were a dozen roses on the kitchen table with a beautiful card; he was always so charming, romantic and thoughtful. It seemed almost too good to be true. I was glad he liked the house and momentarily felt relief.

The next day though, I just didn't feel right again. He told me to stop worrying, but he was suddenly just not 'that guy' anymore. He seemed preoccupied and emotionally unavailable. My spidey senses kicked in. No matter how many times I told myself I was wrong, I couldn't shake it. I became sullen, suspicious and moody. I just wanted him back but the more I wanted him, the farther he went. I was suddenly chasing the dream of the man I thought he was. Then it happened. Just one month after moving into the house, only two days after a strained Christmas, we got into a totally minor spat. I asked him why he was suddenly so different. His answer; 'I'm sorry, I love you, but I just don't feel that spark anymore. I'm not in love with you'. WHAT? Excuse me???? 3 1/2 weeks ago, he gave me flowers with a card telling me how excited he was to start our new life together and now he's suddenly lost the spark? I was devastated. Crushed. What the fuck was I going to do now. I'm embarrassed now to think of how I broke down, but I just could not comprehend where to go from here. I had given up my home and many of my very nice things because he bought us newer and better things for our new and better home; things like furniture, a vacuum, dishes... things I would kind of need, but the new things were really his, since he paid for them, so what was I going to do? I wasn't making much money yet! FUCK! The home I gave up was such a beautiful place and the rent was totally doable, plus I was allowed to have my dog there. How was I going to afford a house that would let me have my dog and buy new things??? All while essentially being unemployed, with my grant quickly running out. This was an incomprehensible disaster. I did the best I could to gather my pride, put on a brave face and try to work through it. We lived around each other for a week. I acted strong and asked him to pick me up boxes when he was out, packing more things every day. He was not going to see me be the slobbering heartbroken fool that I really was damnit!!!! 2 weeks later he asked me to take him back. He cried and said he was so sorry he just got 'scared'. I took him back. A lot more gut wrenching moments took place before we broke up again and I finally moved out. In April I managed to find a really adorable character home that would let me have my doggie, so I moved in. The rent was a bit steep, but beggars can't be choosers so I just closed my eyes and prayed for a miracle contract to come along before my grant was gone.

That miracle did come, in the form of a client who wanted me to give up any existing clients and work solely for him. I did. The ex and I spoke only occasionally, when we had to take care of unfinished business. Three months after moving into my new place, and just as I was finally getting used to the quiet, he called me one night. He asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I couldn't help it. I still loved him. The dream of him still existed. I said yes. We slept together. He asked me to take him back. I did. He asked if we could just take it slow. I said yes. One day I came home from work and there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a card professing undying love...God, I am so ashamed at how low I sunk, allowing him to play with my heart the way he did. Believing him when he told me he loved me but just needed time, totally ignoring my guardian voice screaming danger Will Rogers, DANGER!!

On August 30th, 2003 we were sitting at his house (the house I designed, my dream house). The phone rang. He looked at it and put it down saying he didn't know who it was. My guardian voice wouldn't let me turtle anymore. I demanded to know who it was that called. He insisted he didn't know. He said maybe it was for Dave, his recently acquired roommate. I simply didn't believe him. I wouldn't let it go. I read the barely perceptible beads of sweat forming in his receding hairline. I was like a dog with a bone, gnawing for the truth. "Who was it", "I don't know!". I picked up the phone "Fine, there's voicemail, I'll just check it".

"FINE, I'll tell you, just stop already". It turns out that night, the night he left the flowers with the card professing the love, after he called me to say goodnight, telling me he was going to bed early, he went out drinking with Dave. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, he called an escort when he got home. They liked each other more than just on and escort/john level and he gave her his number. I won't even begin to try to explain how this made me feel, what I went through, or how I behaved after this news, but suffice it to say that my self esteem had sunken to a level I can't now comprehend. That girl is, thank God, no longer me. We broke up for good.

A week later, in my extreme and irrational depression, combined with anger at my 'boss' (client), I fired me. I quit the client. Little did I know that another job would not soon follow. My grant ran out. I was cataplectic. I couldn't even begin to think about how to get my business off the ground again. My life was spiraling completely out of control. I was suddenly 'overqualified', or there were just too many applicants for everything I applied for. I thanked God my kids lived with their dad at that point. I was useless. I cried all the time. I spent endless hours on the phone with my real life bff Mantramine, trying to get her fix me. She patiently walked with me through my depression. She talked to me softly and lovingly for hours. I don't think she really knows how much she helped me. That's my fault. I don't know how to express my gratitude for her love and patience with a crazy, fucked up whacked out mess. I had two other bff's, one of whom paid my rent one month, and who would come by often. I'm sure now, that they were on suicide watch! It didn't get any better anytime too soon. I eventually had to leave my home because my friend couldn't keep paying my rent, nor could I. My things went into storage and I was officially homeless. Another of my bff's kindly took me in, no questions asked and no expectations. I slowly tried to rebuild my shattered life. I was a homeless woman, driving a nice car, wearing nice clothes, with nice things in storage. I was wandering Wonderland trying to figure a way back through the rabbit hole. That Christmas Mantra lent me $100 to buy my kids some presents, cause I was at that point on welfare and couldn't afford to. I cannot express the pain and humiliation of being me at that time.

Two months later I finally got a ridiculously menial job that paid just barely above minimum wage and oddly, rather than feel the humiliation of working a job 'beneath me', I saw light at the end of the tunnel. My manager at that job made me feel worthy and important. Slowly, ever so slowly the tides began to shift. I worked 7 days a week, sometimes 12 hour days and managed to move into a ridiculously small apartment in a shifty area of town, but not before having to sacrifice my dog. I simply couldn't afford a home where I could have him, so he went with a friend of a friend. At least I had a home. I still had my cat. That was something. By this point I had been dating my current man for a very short while. He was going through his own manner of hell, still dealing with a mentally unstable ex wife after 2 years of separation. We were kindred, broken spirits come together in an extreme time. He never made me feel bad about my situation, always seeing the better in me. He encouraged me to not dwell on the pain and humiliation, but move forward toward my dream, which was still to own my own business. He is self-employed, so knows the satisfaction it brings and helped me navigate my way toward success. We are still together 4 years later, more in love than ever. My business has morphed and is flourishing, his business is going better than it has in years. We are partners and best friends.

I am now happier than I can ever remember being. I feel fulfilled and no longer rushed toward a goal or the perfect relationship. I am getting better at Mantra's advice to 'just be in the moment'.

The moral of this story is
1. Hard times suck, but they do end, and often you come out the other side better stronger and so much better off than you would have ever thought!

2. Always, always pay heed to your guardian voice!